The Tooth Fairy (2009)

Alright, I’ll be the first to admit it. I dropped the ball and haven’t updated the website in a long time. Hey, sometimes there just isn’t enough hate to go around. But after taking a look at this excuse for a movie trailer that was little I could do to keep my mouth shut.

I had big hopes the The Rock. As I’ve stated in other posts, I was a wrestling fan as a kid, and while The Rock wasn’t my favorite wrestler, no that award goes to the Macho Man Randy Savage. Nevertheless, The Rock was always entertaining with his loaded ego and showmanship. Fast-forward to 2002 when The Rock (going under the name The Rock) stars in The Scorpion King. Well, okay he wasn’t going to win an Oscar with that performance but as an action movie it isn’t bad. Then in 2003, The Rock takes it up a notch with a remake of The Run Down with Christopher Walken. By the time he acts in Doom (which I will never see) and makes a cameo in the Reno 911 movie, The Rock is solidifying himself among the great action heroes (I say great with some sense of sarcasm). Sure he hadn’t reached Arnold or Stallone at that point, but I’d give him a near-Van Damme. Then all shit hits the fan when in 2009 some jackass named Dwayne Johnson, no longer going by The Rock, stars in Race to Witch Mountain. Race to mother-fuckin’ Witch Mountain? Really? The Rock?

Firstly dropping “The Rock” as your name was a big mistake as it made you unique and not willing to play the Hollywood game, but then you go and act in some crappy ass kids movie? Okay, maybe the economy is bad and you need the cash. I mean you’re not Johnny Deep here. And hey, even Arnold starred in a kids movie which I might add is one of the most hilarious movies of all time. JAMIE!!!! But then The Rock drops the boulder down the cliff with this.

The Tooth Fairy starts like so many other trailers do, some guy is a jackass in this case it’s Dwwwaaayne Johnson. By 36 seconds, I’m thinking this character is such a jackass maybe that’s what the movie is about him just being a total tool. That’s somewhat watchable? But I soon realize that’s just some old The Rock-fan bias tinting my eyes.

The trailer quickly moves downhill, falling into the typical storyline trap of “this guy was like this, but then something fucking stupid happened and now he’s about to learn he shouldn’t be like this after all.” It’s at that point I realize: When did The Rock become Rob Schneider? Because let’s be honest, if you put Rob Schneider in the gym for a little while and have this movie come out during his male gigolo rise to fame, this movie isn’t starring Dwayne Johnson, it’s starring Rob Schneider. Then it hits me again, The Rock hasn’t become Rob Schneider, it’s far, far worse. The Rock has become Vin Diesel.

As a adolescent there was nothing more hilarious/badassish than a Vin Diesel movie. Pitch Black rocked, xXx was one of the most ridiculous and hilarious action movies of all time, Fast and the Furious feel somewhat short of that, and Chronicles of Riddick made my eyes bleed, but Vin Diesel was the man. Then this happened:

The Rock has fallen into the same track of action hero stardom that has befallen Vin Diesel. Act in enough ridiculous action movies with no real substance and sooner or later fans will get bored, you’ll stop getting decent scripts and just to survive you’ll act in one of these “kids movies” that still try to bring in an adult male audience so dad’s can still feel manly when taking their little girl to the theater.

What are some other symptoms of this action hero disease that I’ll now refer to as Pacifier Syndrome? Well, using Vin as an example, you’ll try to take on a serious role, so we can expect that from The Rock pretty soon. And then you’ll end up doing a sequel to (or is it a 5-quel at this point?) to one of your old action movies. Finally you’ll  star in some half-way okay action movie again barely brushing on the stardom you once had and maybe you’ll get another go around the same path but once you’re sick it’s hard to get better. It’s a sad road ahead for The Rock as his Pacifier Syndrome has just begun.  But you can tell that the disease is really taking its toll when the ex-action hero starts to make the same movie twice:

Bottom Line:

Don’t support this and help fight Pacifier Syndrome.

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